Empowered pregnancy

Finding Empowerment Through Autonomy

So far during my 21 weeks of pregnancy, I've felt extremely empowered and connected to my inner fire like never before. Well, except for the times when I'm so physically exhausted from making a human that my brain doesn't work and all I can do is rest with my eyes closed or half-pay attention to something on Netflix. I am human after all.

But today, during my second trimester anatomy scan, I was left in tears, feeling robbed of my autonomy. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but deep in pregnancy, in full yin and feeling mode, all my sensations are heightened and emotions are running high.

Learning I Could Say No

I had read in the highly recommended book Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and heard from other women that it's important to feel empowered in my choices during pregnancy. What surprised me was that this includes my choice to say no to anything, even medical tests. I thought, "Really? I can say no? I had no idea that was an option!"

After some research, I decided to opt out of the first trimester combined screening test. Mainly because I was traveling, but also because if the results weren't favorable, meaning my child would most likely have Down syndrome, I wasn't willing to have an abortion. It felt empowering to make that choice.

Since skipping that test, I've had two medical appointments with two different providers, and both have asked me for the results. My original OBGYN actually shamed me for not doing it, with big eye rolls and heavy sighing. Since that appointment, I've found a wonderful midwife who specializes in home births. I switched providers completely and now have a prenatal, birth, and postnatal care plan with her. A serendipitous story for another time. In short, I completely trust her and am thrilled with her experience and approach.

Making the Tough Decisions

In my first appointment with my midwife, she went over every single test that's recommended and explained what it's for and how it's done. I was then able to say yes or no to each one as I desired, with my partner by my side making the decision with me. Bless him! If I wasn't sure which way I was leaning, I could save the decision for later after more research or just ask her what she recommended.

The one test she recommended that I wasn't too keen on was the second trimester anatomy scan. However, knowing it's important for her to see where my placenta is—and knowing it would give both of us peace of mind—I decided to do it.

The good news: my placenta is in an excellent position and I got what I needed out of the test.

The other news, not necessarily bad, but unpleasant, is that I was totally uncomfortable during the ultrasound and felt a total invasion of privacy and lack of choice.

When My Body Knew Something Was Wrong

I went in as a patient of the new OBGYN who is my backup emergency plan and who was recommended by and works in conjunction with my midwife. They set me up for the ultrasound, and when it was time to begin, a man walked in who would be performing the scan.

I wasn't happy about that. Don't get me wrong—I love men and appreciate them in so many ways. But I had specifically chosen to work with only women for my pregnancy because it makes me feel safer and better understood. Period. That is my decision.

The ultrasound began and I felt confused because I was given no overview of what would be happening or how long it would take. I really appreciate a trauma-informed approach both when I'm working with clients and when I'm receiving as a client or patient. So I asked my nervous system to calm down.

Everything was fine until we got to the kidneys, then there was a slight deviation from normal. The doctor explained in detail what the issue was and said we needed to monitor it through the pregnancy. Worst case scenario would be in utero surgery. I went from chill to panic in moments. I felt tears building up. The ultrasound continued.

Eventually the doctor changed to some crazy 3D version of the scan, which I was never asked if I wanted. I wasn't told what the benefit was or why it was necessary. I got the feeling it was just to see more details, which honestly I didn't want to see. I feel content feeling my baby move inside me and just want to be surprised by what they look like when they finally arrive.

He started pushing harder with the probe to see their face clearer, and it was uncomfortable to say the least. I really started to get upset when he started pulsing the probe vigorously to get my baby to move. It sure as hell didn't feel good to me, and I can only imagine my baby didn't like it either, which is why they kept hiding their face.

All I wanted to do was tell the doctor to stop. Yet I felt stuck and unable to say what I wanted. I was just holding back tears. I still don't think that last invasive part was medically necessary.

My partner started asking more questions about the kidneys and what it all meant. After a million questions from my partner, bless him, the doctor said it's normal and common. Even if one kidney doesn't work well, the other is perfect and they can live just fine with one kidney.

Now why tell me all the worst case scenario stuff and stress me out for that?

What I'm Taking Forward

The whole reason I didn't want to do the scan in the first place was to save myself stress and remain relaxed. In my lineage of tantra, relaxation is key. When we are relaxed, energy can flow. Ina May stresses this too in all her expertise of midwifery. Stress and fear constrict the body. Relaxation opens it.

The work now is to keep using my voice and advocating for myself and my baby. To say what I need. To listen to my intuition even when I'm in a medical setting, even when someone in authority is telling me what's happening to my body.

Would I still do the scan? Yes, for the sake of my midwife and for the peace of mind it gives us both. But I would show up differently. I would ask for more details beforehand and during the procedure. I would ask what's medically necessary and what's just for extra detail. And I would speak up the moment something doesn't feel right, instead of holding back tears while someone pushes harder on my belly.

My body knew. It was telling me to stop. The tears were information. The discomfort was information. I just need to practice trusting that information enough to actually say it out loud.

That's the practice. Not perfection, but learning to listen and then learning to speak.

Tips for an Empowered Pregnancy

If you're navigating pregnancy and want to feel more empowered in your choices and your body, here's what I'm learning:

You have the right to say no to any test or procedure. Ask "what is this for?" and "what happens if I don't do this?" Make decisions based on what feels right for you, not what's standard protocol.

Bring someone with you to appointments who can ask questions when you're overwhelmed or emotional. Talk with your partner or support person beforehand about your plan, desires, and boundaries. Ask them to help you speak up if you're struggling, or create a signal for when you need them to step in.

Ask for a pause or break during any procedure. You can say "stop," "wait," or "I need a moment." Medical procedures can continue when you're ready.

Trust your body's wisdom and your baby's. Your body is made for this and women's bodies have been doing this for millions of years. The discomfort, the tears, the intuition, it's all information. Listen to it.

Remember that pregnancy is sexy and your pleasure matters. Knowing your own body, what feels good, what you want, this helps in labor, in birth, in parenting, in everything. Stay connected to your pleasure and your sexuality throughout pregnancy. It's not separate from this journey, it's part of it.

Books That Have Empowered Me

These three books have shaped how I'm approaching pregnancy, birth, and staying connected to my body:

1. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May GaskinThis book taught me that birth can be empowering, that my body is made for this, and that I have choices every step of the way.

2. Sacred Pregnancy by Anni Daulter A beautiful guide to honoring pregnancy as a spiritual journey and staying connected to the sacredness of creating life. Each chapter in this book is for a different week of pregnancy.

3. Women's Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure by Sheri WinstonYes, a book about pleasure and arousal! Because understanding your body, your pleasure, and your anatomy is essential. Pregnancy is part of your sexuality, and knowing what feels good in your body helps you advocate for yourself in all situations, including medical ones.